Journal of a Slytherin
by Andromeda4
Summary: Everyone's favorite potions master's journal from his second year at Hogwarts! James, cha-cha lessons, and phsycotic Portuguese triplets. What more can go wrong? Alot, for our begreased friend...
1. Not Obsessed With James

Journal of a Slytherin 

  
  
  
August 9th  
11:38 PM  
  
  
Another day completed, another battle won.   


Well I'm back at Hogwarts, for my second year. I must say, that Narcissa has gotten a good deal less homely, though I regret to inform you that I can't say the same for Pricilla Parkinson. Pug-like faces must run in the family. I wonder where the droopy backside comes from? Possibly her grandmother. Why doesn't she just charm it back in place? Did she sit on her wand and break it, perhaps? It wouldn't be the first time. When I had to do community service, I had to visit her in the "Ye Old Insane Witches and Wizards Home". 

Also, James Potter and the Dunce Crew (as Lucius so hilariously calls them) seem to have reached new heights of immaturity. I strongly suspect that they have spent their entire summer thinking of ways to humiliate me, such as the pudding that stupid Pettigrew launched at my head. All was forgiven, however, when Potter, how shall I put this? _Tripped_ on the rug that Dumbledore had placed in the entry hall. A _complete_ accident, I assure you. I couldn't even touch my food until I was completely certain that he hadn't broken a leg, or cracked his skull, or twisted his spine. It had nothing to do with the fact that the King Crowd and I were laughing so hard that some of us choked on our pumpkin juice, as is common gossip. 

Here is my general impression of the people who figure prominently in my life, or at least to the point where I cannot avoid them:  
  
1) The Hufflepuff house in general has not changed a bit, apart from a few new fools that have been added to the pack of idiots. In fact, I've noticed a few students from Hufflepuff looking quite horrified when a new girl, who, in my a opinion, will make a fine Slytherin, tried to hex Lily Smith, the arm candy of James Potter, for stealing her spot in the train.   
  
2) Anais de Marquis has reached new levels of scankiness. She is, as Albert Lestrange called her, the school bicycle. I do believe that everyone has taken a ride, including several of the more undesirable of the Gryffindors, such as Pettigrew, who looks a good deal like a dying squirrel. She is in her seventh year, and I have no idea how she continues to pass her classes. I heard Omar, an Algerian exchange student, acusing her of foul play with some of the teachers, but I doubt this, as I don't think Professor Binns is capable of that sort of activity. She must have some other plot... Goal I for the year: Find out what this little Jezebel is hiding...   
  
3) My best, and possibly only, female friend, dear Mei Teriako, has returned from her trip to South Korea with a laughably awful sunburn and a cheap-looking fake wand, which she used to bribe Peeves into not telling the caretaker, Hattie, about a few sticks of muggle chewing gum that she stuck into the door. I must admit, I felt the teensiest bit bad for Figg when she leaned against it and the gum got stuck in her hair. Mei was laughing like a posessed Hyena. Which brings us to the next groupie...   
  
4) Benitio, Bianca, and Bella Legos. Three Portuguese triplets who have a penchant for scheming more than is healthy, even for a Slytherin. Benitio was made the Slytherin Quidditch Team captain at a startlingly young age, replacing Jonathon King, who was forced into a premature retirement after a run-in with several Bludgers and an insane pet of Hagrid's. I hear that his neck healed nicely, but that he will, most unfortunately, be talking in a high voice for the rest of his life. There are some things even doctor El-Mahil can't fix. Bianca looks quite pretty now, actually. Her hair is no longer blue, and she curls it. Bella, well, Bella hasn't changed a bit. I think that McGonagall may actually have taken her aside and said, "Bella, any more shenanigins, and I will send you back to Ecuador!" The joke being, of course, that they speak Spanish in Ecuador. Oh, hahaha. I'll have to use that one sometime.   
  
5) Patrick Weasley is a first class idiot. I don't know how he got into Gryffindor, he's clearly a Hufflepuff. He's in seventh year, and he spends all his time mooning after some Ravebclaw girl. I can't even remember her name. Anyway, unless he has a fetish for fat witches, I don't know what he sees in her. His grades are okay, nothing special, not like his older brother Arthur's or anything, but he's just _so damn stupid_ in other ways. I think I saw him walk into a door last year, but that may just have been Peeves idea of humor. Actually, now that I think of it, that's quite funny. Oh hahahahaha... 

Actually, those are the people who figure least in my life. But oh well, It's late and I'm quite tired. 

I hope I have a dream about smashing James with my desk. Ah... sweet dreams, the nectar of the night... Anyway, maybe if I wake up very early tommorow morning, I'll have some ideas on how to to make him and his little clique look stupid. But don't get the wrong idea, I'm not obsessed or anything. I think. 

So until tommorow, I bid you goodnight, and put you in my lock box where neither Lucius nor Albert can read you (sneaky bastards, wouldn't put it past them...) 

_ -Severus Snape _

  


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So what did you all think? Good? Bad? Funny? Cool? I'd love it if someone could review, so at least I know I have an audience. Feel free to give contructive criticism, but if you do, can you include what you like as well as what you didn't? I'd really appreciate it!   
  
Later!   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	2. Beavers and Moose

Journal of a Slytherin 

  
  
  
August 10th  
5:02 AM  
  


Gaaaaa... too early, much, much too early. I know I said I would wake in the wee hours of the morn, but this is a bit too wee for my liking. Plot later. Now is time for sleep... 

  
  
  
6:30 AM  
  


Ah! Much better. Now I can face my schemes with fresh eyes, a ready brain, and a blunt conscience. Excellent. Although I didn't dream of strangling James, I _did_ have a vision of riding on Sand-delver back into the sunset. Maybe I have Arab roots? But no, the closet thing to exotic heritage I have is Uncle Marcus, who receives all of his dirty magazines in Chinese. Oh well, better that than some muggles who sit around on their rears all day, like those mud-blood types. Oh, wait, there are some wizards who do that as well. I guess that means that laziness is a scourge that falls upon both the just and unjust, and stupidity is the muggle's idea of humor. 

Here are some ideas of ways humiliate Potter:  
  
-Steal his girlfriend. Then stroll the halls, falling all over her. Whenever you see Potter, laugh obnoxiously in his face.  
  
-Steal his broom, and when he askes where it is, say, "That was your _broom_!?! Oh, I'm terribly sorry. I thought it was an umbrella. Those trolls I sold it to won't be very happy will they? Ah well. At least I made the transaction in your name."  
  
-Spit on Pettigrew whenever I get the chance. Well, actually, that'll just be considered more of an extra-curicular activity for my own personal enjoyment.   
  
-"Accidentally" inform Hattie of the Dunce Crew's little stash of blowing gum, pornography, and illegal prank devices. Terribly sorry about that, Potter!   
  
-Spread horrible rumours about him. It doesn't matter whethor or not they're true. For example, "Potter is gay with Black,""Potter is gay with Lupin,""Potter is gay with Pettigrew,""Potter wears female undergarments." But, I digress... 

I shall have to ask Mei about it today. She was in a terrible mood yesterday. Really, I was just joking when I told Benitio she had PMS. 

  
  
  
6:42 AM  
  


Mei is far too sensitive. 

  
  
  
6:46 AM  
  


She's incredibly violent as well. I don't think poor Benitio will be able to walk properly for a week. 

  
  
  
7:02 AM  
  


Hmm... maybe I should get up and get ready for class? No, plenty of time for that later. Oh, egads! I'm thinking of washing my hair today. I left a slick on the pillowcase last night. Well, at least my hair is naturally oily. Not like Lucius. It's absolutely disgusting to watch him get ready for school. He reminds me of this picture I once saw of a muggle car-salesman. Except the car salesman was wearing fake hair that made it look as though he had a badger stuck to his head. 

Ahahahahahahahahaha. It was extremely amusing... Eh, nothing worth seeing. I'm going back to sleep.   
  
  
7:51 AM  
  


I woke up to Lucius, Benitio, and Albert standing over me, dripping water on my face. According to Albert, I 'slept-in', and Benitio insisted that they dump the whole jug on my face. They did, but I think that by doing it when I was already awake, they defeated the purpose. 

"I didn't sleep in," I said. "I was awake the whole time." I wasn't sure if they could tell I was lying or not. 

"Eh. That explains the snoring you did while you were awake, eh?" Albert asked. 

Eh? What, is he Canadian now? How sad. And I didn't 'sleep-in'. Even if I did, some friends they are, not even waking me up until I'm far behind. 

Sleep-in indeed... I guess my hairwashing will have to wait... humph... I'll show them sleep-in... 

  
  
  
8:00 AM   
  
  


Well, I was already late from my little nap, which was _not_ a sleep-in. But after cutting a few corners, I managed to pull off a succesful morning routine, and even appear downstairs, looking more wonderful than ever. I thought to myself, Hey, I'm gonna be alright! That was pre-severus-snape-jinx-era. After that, things went downhill. 

What was Dumbledore smoking when he hired those house-elves? Did Dr. El-Mahil slip him a stupidity potion as a joke, maybe? Because he must have found them in the rejects aisle of the potion shop of life. For while those elves can, bless their little over-cholesteroled hearts, cook wonderfully, I hope they die of heart attacks, because they have no concept of proper dining times. Their idea of a proper breakfast is salmon, pork, and viniagrette lettuce omlettes, with healthy toppings of garlic and onions. On the bright side, if a vampire decided that he was hungry, the combined breath of everyone in the dining hall would successfully send him to the Hogwarts in the sky (haha). 

I wasn't the only one who noticed the rather suspect meal we were being asked to eat. Bella leaned towards me and whispered, "Really, what do those house elves think they're playing at? Are they trying to kill everyone here?" 

To which my very wise reply was: "They're planning a revolution. The garlic is a stunning device. They're trying to throw us off our guard with their new levels of crappiness." 

Bella snorted into her omlette, a most unbecoming thing to do, or, as Hattie would say, "A foolish arse of ting ta do, yessir." 

Everyone in the King Crowd reeked of garlic. Perhaps I should write a violent letter of complaint to Dumbledore. Say that the stench intereferes with teaching. 

Or maybe I won't... After all, the sight of a very green Lupin rushing to the restroom makes the whole ordeal well worth it. 

  
  
  
9:21 AM  
  
  


Ugh... it's only first period and I'm already so bored I could kill myself, just to get out of class. It's that McGonagall woman again, being boring as usual. At least now I have Goal II: NEVER END UP LIKE PROFFESSOR MINERVA MCGONAGALL!! 

Now she's nattering on about something about beavers. Now the entire class is having a very spirited discussion about beavers and their relationships with mooses. Mooses?! Am I the only sane person here? A beaver is not a moose. A beaver is a bucktoothed creature that has no social life and will never find a mate. The entire beaver populace will eventually die out! The food chain will be destroyed! The world will die! All because those damned beavers were too stupid to get jobs and buy themselves mistresses. That's how we humans do it. 

I never understood Transfiguration. I just don't get it. It's stupid. Why would I want to turn my great Aunt Betsie into a muggle singer named Madonna? How queer. 

  
  
  
10:36 AM  
  
  


Oh ho! Now things are getting better! It would appear that we have a new potions teacher, and a very attractive one at that! I would like to quote Charles Avery, another one of the King Crowd and say, "She is every kind of hot." Unfortunately, I don't know her name. I wasn't paying attention to Dumbledore during his speech, as no respectable person does. I was too busy trying to get a clear shot at Black's forehead, which was exceedingly difficult. 

Potions is a good subject for me. I don't have to pay attention to do well, which is good, because it isn't the most fascinating topic you can learn about. I was working on my shrinking formula, when Benitio sent me a note. 

_ Severus,  
  
That is the hottest teacher I have ever seen in my life. What's her name?   
  
-Benitio (who is not Spanish) _

In response, I sent him the following. 

** Benitio,   
  
How should I know? I wasn't paying attention. Listen, for once in your life, to the other people and see what they say.   
  
-Severus (who thinks Benitio is a poser) **

He's so infuriating! Does he think I'm stalking her or something? Excuse me, Mr. I'm-not-Spanish-you-fag, Mr. Did-you-grab-my-ass, Mr. No-I-won't-set-you-up-to-have-a-threesome-with-my-sisters-Snape. 

Oh, someone called Professor Hot, Proffesor Burrow. Hmm... I think I like Professor Sexy better. 

  
  
  
2:54 PM  
  
  


Okay, last period, you can do this. It would just be alot easier if last period wasn't Proffessor Binns, History of Magic. He's so incredibly boring... Really, I would rather kiss James and a beaver than have a double class. Well no, actually, I wouldn't. 

I spent the entire class last year writing notes to Lucius and Charles, and even then I managed to pass the exam with flying colors. I guess I must be a genius. It has nothing to do with Bella's brilliant idea of making memory potions. It was quite a good idea, actually, and it would have worked perfectly. Too bad the very night I took it, I walked in on Hagrid in rather revealing positions... I had to have corrective counciling with Senorita Galadriel. If I hear her say one more time how her muggle brother named a character in his book after her, I'm going to go crazy. 

That's it, I can't bear anymore. I'm stuffing pages of my textbook in my ears and going to sleep. 

Good night, journal. I hope the Severus of journals is having moe fun than wizard Severus is... 

  


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So, what did you people think? Thanks for all the nice reviews I got! Later!   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



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